Etichetă: women

You want „that” relationship but it just doesn’t happen?

Probably the most burning desire of my heart since I know myself was to be in a relationship with a man that loves me, to have near me that special Prince and never be (Feel) alone anymore.


I remember the long years of „bad” relationships, of falling in love and being rejected ( my firs experiences), abandoned, used and so on. I could not keep a decent, ‘normal” relationship more than maybe, a few months.


I also went through the time where I used my „charms” to lure guys into my life, to trick them by offering the best sex they ever had and silently hoping they will love me, feeling Powerful and „the Shit”. Little did I know then how I was humiliating myself, abandoning myself, how I was tricking Myself in fact and setting my failures for me.

They would always leave. Or…they had girlfriends or they were married. Yes, I’ve been „that” woman too. Or  I should say „girl”

Isn’t it funny how you see and hear everywhere the terms „girl” and „boy” when those people are in their 30′ and older? We have this expectation for extraordinary relationships but we talk about men like boys and about women like girls…A big tell 🙂


Now…yes, I was miserable, I was hopelessly in love or chasing the man, the relationship thinking that this is the ONLY way I will be happy, I will be „normal” like all others.


I had my first „serious” relationship at about 18 and lasted for almost two years. It was one of the most hurtful, ugly, toxic relationships of my life. I stayed for so long being manipulated and neither one of us did not know this was the case. I was so co-dependent and so fearful of being abandoned again that I submitted myself to humiliation, violence, cursing and a total mess.

Until one day when I woke up, suddently and I saw myself: I literally looked like a granny. And I was so shocked. That was the moment I decided it is over. Took me some more months to really end it.


Other men, crushes, rejections followed. My years of lust, alchool, depression, deep hidden pain were just beginning.


I was not aware of all the harm I was doing to myself. I am also grateful for all those experiences that taught me to become me….to empower myself, to  rise up, to heal the co-dependency.

My biggest FEAR was : he will leave. I must anything to keep him. To the extent I would put up scenes of fake crying, making scenes because he had to leave for a day with work…and so on. Anything…to not be alone, to not feel abandonment, to not feel the void, the pain.  I had no idea how I was emotionally manipulating them, me.


And all this time....somewhere deep in me I felt unworthy, less than, stupid, always positioning myself lower than any man. I had to demonstrate, to give something so I could receive their attention, their crumbles. But did not show it. I had constructed good masks and roles to not give myself away.


When the uptenth man said he does not want a relationship….I went to the bottom of it. I broke down. I couldn’t anymore. I did not understand WHY  all of them would RUN AWAY from me. Why nothing worked. Why they always left. What was WRONG with ME? 

This is how I ended up in therapy.  I literally told the therapist ” I came here because of the relationships with men and my parents”.


After two years of consistent classical therapy (psychotherapy) and my own licence as a therapist I started functioning. I was already in a long term relationship that was kinda leading to marriage. It was good to the point where we became roomates and also, I had my „awakening” point but he was not interested in that at all. After almost 6 years I said, for the first time ” This is not working, I need more”.  He was one I could not say one bad thing about….the perfect good guy. I am grateful for him being into my life as now I know why. But still…it was not enough anymore. I was miserable. I had the confort, the man, the relationship, the cozy life, the friends, the travels, the spiritual awakening and all the new things I was learning and discovering. But I felt not understood, not supported, not really seen. I felt I was alone in this. And I decided I diserve more. 


THe questions that helped me was : how much do I love myself to still stay in this relationship? 


The rest is kinda history. Started being interested in what being a woman means, started my real work with the childhood trauma, the abandonment, rejection wounds and  the most important: I GAVE UP WANTING a relationship. 

I made a list with what I want, gave it to God and said : this is it, I can’t chase this anymore, I can’t spend all my energy wanting a relationship, thinking of some guy…making this the sole purpose of my life. Im done. I need to come back to me, to do my mission, to focus on what I like and have to offer to the world.  * Coincided with the time I started my angel therapy practice and started groups, individual sessions.


So to all of you that make the relationship your GOAL in life start by LETTING THIS GO. Once you do not chase that  and bring your energy IN miracles will happen.


I am now married and in a beautiful relationship for many years. It is not perfect, it is not easy. But it is a conscious, present co=creative relationship. We put in the work every day and we choose to deal with all the wounding, the triggering, the fears, the tough…together. Transparently, honestly, openly. It is the relationship that teaches me how to be a woman, who I am as a woman.


So YES, it is possible. It is wonderful eventually.


But not by doing the chasing, living in constant anxiousness, fear of rejection or desperation to have him, to find him, to keep him. Not by manipulation or self abandonment, self treason and not by keeping the beleif that HE is the one MAKING you HAPPY. That without him/the relationship you are nobody, miserable, alone and sad. THIS IS ALL TRAUMA response. 


You want THAT relationship and that man? 


START working with YOU. Bring your attention INWARDS, bring your energy back to you and start INVESTING it into your well being.
Choose a mentor, enter a process ( not a few sessions and not changing the therapist every month) and start looking at YOUR CHILDHOOD, at the relationship with your MOTHER and FATHER. This is the root of it all. This is where you got the fears, the beliefs, the dependency, the desperation, the victim mentality, the closed heart and tough appearce, all of it.



Until you seriously start looking in and meet your Inner little GIRL, give her space, time, energy to heal her from all the rejections, criticism, punishment, emotional absence, abuse etc…you will manifest the same man, the same pattern over and over again.

Until you take a deep  look at your dad and the model of masculinity he set up for you and at your mom and the model of femininity she set up for you, you will just repeat the pattern. And until you look at their relationship and the way you grew up between them two….and learnt all about how to be a woman…and what that means….you will just lie to yourself and try all the self help there is …with no real result. 

There is no shortcut. We have all been traumatised. We have all lived with parents that were fighting or were cold, emotionally unavailable, with parents and grandparents that gave us the „tought love”. We all felt not important, not heard, alone fearful of punishment or even a beating, fearful of the reaction that would follow. We have all lived throgh criticism and „behave! or else…”. We all come from generations of people that had almost no access to LOVE and HEART and that lived on Survival mode which they knew was all that is needed for their kids. 


We did not have the presence, the warmth, the love, the trust, the hugs, the approval, the real felt LOVE that we needed. 

For most of us it was words with no substance. Rules. Punishment. Fear and abuse.


So until you are OPEN and AVAILABLE, ready to SEE this in you, in your childhood, to meet the little girl inside and give her what she needs you CANNOT manifest the realtionship and the MAN you wish for. You will keep manifesting the same ol” daddy and mommy issues. Like I did. Like we all do.


Nowadays 99% of realationships are based on trauma responses. They are not healthy, not consciouss. And this is a painfull reality.


What we CALL LOVE is just DEPENDENCY, FEAR, CONTRACT. We have no idea what an Open Heart means. Because we closed our hears when we were just kids. To not feel the PAIN of rejection and abandonment anymore. We developed coping mechanisms and ways to navigate the world that served us until we can see that they don’t anymore. That we are in an illusion, unhappy, feeling sad, irritated, alone all the time. We burry ourselves in work, in self medication, alchool, we keep the fake smile on the face, we say to all : I AM WELL. We keep lying to ourselves and to others and lead miserable lifes in relationships that are sooo bad for us keeping both me and you from being actually happy.

We settle for less, for what is….cause it is not that BAD. If he doesn’t beat me or curse me I can live with it. All men cheat…and I either fear that will happen to me one day and live in constant gelousy and anxiousness or just admit this as a fact and get over it pretending we are ok and that „this is life”.



We inherently HATE each other, compete with each other, FEAR each other as men and women. Deep down. This is the painful truth. We fight each other and have no idea what real love, real intimacy looks like. No it is not strong words. It is something I deeply lived.


YOU don’t like what you read? Does it trigger you? Do you feel your tension rises? Do you cry? How is this feeling in your body? Feel free to write me about it.



I realised all of this by myself. Doing my work, my process. With my inner girl, with my parents, with the man next to me, with my ancestors and all the ancestral conditioning and inheritance,,,with religion and  dogma and all the Hollywood stories that are injected in your subconscious programming you  further.


No relationship is perfect. It take work, commitment, an open heart or at least the intention of being open, making the difficult choice to always tell the truth, be vulnerable and expose yourself as you are constantly with you and with him/her.


Someone asked me recently ” whats the point to wich you are authentic, you show yourself how you are in a relationship, for him to see you?” I said : ALL OF IT. There is no hiding, no lying, no „this you can see, this you can;t, no pretending”. You committ to the real deal….its all of you.


But for this to happen you need to DO YOUR WORK. TO work the triggers, the fears, the wounds so you can really alchemise and change your base frequency ( energy).


And I AM ONE that ASKS REAL, TRUTH to the bone. I smell and spot fake and where you avoid, run away from miles. I do not accept less than all of it. And that is why I have few relationships and I work with the FEW ones that are READY for this. This is where CHANGE begins. When you do not want to lie to yourself anymore and instead, want are open to experience it all, to know yourself, all of you, to go deep, to dive into all you have ran away from your entire life.
And I am here to create and sustain the Sacred space for you to feel seen, supported, safe. I am here with years of personal and professional experience. I thrive where most therapists are afraid to even look. 

I love depth and trauma healing. I love to see how all the pain and lies and hurt are alchemised in this space we create. How you start to see yourself, empower yourself, RISE UP and realise WHO you are. 


READY for a REAL relationship? Start with you.
Write a message and lets do the work. I can’t wait to meet you and connect with your beautiful Soul.